So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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