I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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