did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
