we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
