I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
