Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
