WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
