Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize