You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
