Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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