can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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