better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Randomize
