someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
