Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize