He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Pants are for mortals
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
