I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize