Nicole vs. Life
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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