All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
