So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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