Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
A+ Viking dick
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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