wrigley field is MILF paradise
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
