i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
