trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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