I'm so fucking centered right now
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
