Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
