how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize