I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
