??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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