In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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