I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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