I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
