Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
