I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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