why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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