If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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