Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
