it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
