Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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