Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
