I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
