I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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