mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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