We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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