Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize