Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
