I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
