but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize