Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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