Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
