i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
