dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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