so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Drake has all the answers
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
