her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
