After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
