quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
