People in love make me want to vomit
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she smelled like a LAN party
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
