i already hear my dad disowning me
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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