Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
