I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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