I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
