just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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