she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize