Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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