He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
