According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
