booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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